Здравей, приятелю! Тук ли си още? Миг подир миг се изнизват минутите и неусетно превръщат се в дни, седмици, месеци… Помниш ли ме дори след толкова време? Аз помня всичките мигове, прекарани заедно. Добри, лоши, още по-лоши – ти винаги бе тук да посрещнеш пороя от думи и да укротиш бурята с тихия шепот на писеца по белия лист. Ти беше тук, а аз си отидох в мига, в който спрях да виждам смисъл в думите. Може би пороят бе отмил и смисъла? Може би. Не зная… Зная само, че ми липсват нашите разговори. Не, не ми липсва отчаянието, нито онази почти физическа болка от звука на разбити мечти. Липсват ми думите, пропити с емоция, върху които ти рисуваше надежда и ги връщаше като ехо в сърцето ми.

Искам отново да си поговоря с теб, приятелю. Искам днес аз да ти дам мъничко от своята надежда, да я вплета като топла прегръдка в думите и да ти благодаря за това, че още ме има. Ти беше прав – никога не трябва да спираме да вярваме, че един ден пороят ще спре и шансът ще ни се усмихне. Трябва ни само надежда, която да ни дава сили да стоим изправени насред бурята и да чакаме търпеливо, докато и последната капчица тъга докосне земята и оловносивите облаци направят път на слънцето. Или просто някой ни предложи чадър.

И днес се събудих от звука на дъждовни капки, барабанящи по покрива. Леденият февруарски вътър ги донесе отнякъде и ги остави да танцуват в нощния мрак сред стелещите се мъгли и крясъците на самотни птици. Но тъгата, тъгата я няма, приятелю, и вместо да прогизна до кости, аз съм се сгушила под чадъра и мечтая за упойващия дъх на пролетни цветя. Светът наоколо е все така сив и студен, но щом затворя очи, виждам безброй цветове. Нежно розово, меко зелено, вълшебно синьо, в което се губя… Не мога да ги докосна с пръсти все още, но знам, че са там. Ще бъдат там и утре и още много, много дни и ще разливат топлината си във вените ми, напомняйки ми, че съм жива.

Не е ли прекрасно, приятелю?

• I am a cuddler.
• I am a morning person.
• I am an only child.
• I am currently in my pajamas.
• I am currently pregnant.
• I am left handed.
• I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first. 
• I bite my nails.
• I can be paranoid at times.
• I enjoy country music.
• I enjoy smoothies.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I have a car.
• I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I have a pet. 
• I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl.
• I have all my grandparents.
• I have been to another country.
• I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
• I have or had broken a bone.
• I have caller I.D. on my phone.
• I have bathed someone.
• I have changed a diaper.
• I have changed a lot over the past year.
• I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
• I have had major/minor surgery.
• I have killed another person.
• I have had my hair cut within the last week.
• I have mood swings.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
• I have rejected someone before.
• I like the taste of blood.
• I love Michael Jackson.
• I love sleeping.
• I love to shop.
• I own 100 CDs or more.
• I own and use a library card.
• I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
• I sleep a lot during the day.
• I watch soap operas on a regular basis. 
• I work at a job that I enjoy.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I am currently wearing socks.
• I am tired.
• I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
• I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month.

I have/had:

• Graduated high school.
• Smoked cigarettes.
• Ridden every ride at an amusement park.
• Collected something really stupid.
• Gone to a concert.
• Helped someone.
• Spun turn tables.
• Watched four movies in one night.
• Been broken up with.
• Taken a college level course.
• Been in a car accident.
• Been in a tornado.
• Watched someone die.
• Been to a funeral.
• Burned yourself.
• Ran a marathon.
• Your parents got divorced.
• Cried yourself to sleep.
• Spent over $200 in one day.
• Cheated on someone.
• Been cheated on.
• Written a 10 page letter.
• Had a best friend.
• Lost someone you loved.
• Skipped school.
• Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.
• Stolen books from the library.
• Been in a mental hospital.
• Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
• Fired a gun.
• Been in a school play.
• Been fired from a job.
• Taken a lie detector test.
• Swam with dolphins.
• Attempted suicide.
• Written poetry.
• Read more than 20 books a year.
• Gone to Europe.
• Loved someone you couldn’t have.
• Used a colouring book over age 12.
• Had surgery.
• Had stitches.
• Taken a taxi.
• Had more than 5 online conversations going at once.
• Had a hamster.
• Dyed your hair.
• Had something pierced.
• Gotten straight A’s.
• Your parents sent you to a shrink. 
• Been handcuffed.

My hair is naturally the color:

• Light brown
• Medium brown
• Dark brown
• Blonde
• Black
• Dirty blonde
• Strawberry blonde/Ginger
• Multicoloured

My eyes are:

• Brown
• Blue/Grey
• Green
• Hazel
• Light brown
• A combination of things

I am:

• Male
• Female
• Other

People sometimes label me as:

• Slut
• Girly
• Ugly
• Nerd 
• Other

Some of my biggest fears are:

• Spiders/other insects
• Dying 
• Doctor/Dentist appointments
• Hospitals
• Needles
• Disease
• Being alone in the dark
• Heights
• Small spaces
• Oceans/large bodies of water
• Holes
• Large animals
• Small animals
• Open spaces
• Lightning

I have:

• A friend with benefits
• A laptop in my room
• A television in my room
• Good grades
• My own car
• Married parents

It appears I have done a lot of things but there are a lot I’m still to do. Maybe someday I’ll swim with dolphins, who knows?

Reblogged from Mike Shinoda's Blog:

It’s there. It’s always there. The nagging feeling that I don’t belong, that my words mean nothing, that my feelings are only good for a joke.

I’m there. I’m always there. Call me and I will come in an instant. I will let you tear my soul apart for a moment of delusional happiness. I will cuddle into your warm embrace and listen to your gentle words while you are preparing to break me into pieces. You are like poison to me. A poison I cannot resist.

You are… Where are you? Your words were drowned in the sound of train wheels gliding on the rails. Your warmth was taken away by the wind. You left me empty and longing for the next moment of sweet torture to fill the void in my heart.

Everything changes. I change. You change. Only one thing stays constant – your words imprinted on my mind.

I know I am a bad blogger but I hope I am not an equally bad friend. I just want to let you know that I wish those 10 days in Kyoto hadn’t passed so quickly. I had a wonderful time and I am already missing you. There are so many places that I didn’t have the chance to show you, so many starry nights we could walk until we drop, so many more things we could talk about and laugh like careless kids. I want to believe that when you watch the stars at night you will remember the stars over Kyoto and let them show you the way back someday. Will you?

(And, please, don’t get mad at me for posting your picture here.)

*** 

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: friendship, Japan, Kyoto, your star ]]> http://haridelle.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/your-star/feed/ 4 haridelle Stargazer http://haridelle.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/there-is-another-world-beyond/ http://haridelle.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/there-is-another-world-beyond/#comments Tue, 24 Apr 2012 07:47:23 +0000 Albizia http://haridelle.wordpress.com/?p=2406 ]]>

I open my eyes in a flash. The world painted on my eyelids disappears. I am awake, I know it. But at the same time I am trapped between the nightmare and reality. I am sitting on my bed, looking at my wall but the feeling lingers and I can’t make it go away. Half of my mind is still there, in the other world reaching for something unknown. This inexplicable feeling is keeping me there as a butterfly attracted to fire. Rage, despair, hopelessness. A drop of every negative emotion there is is stirred in the poison that’s blurring my thoughts but there is also one drop of life that I don’t want to let go of. In that other world there was something worth fighting for until my last breath. I don’t know what it was but I want to keep fighting for it with any means necessary. 

I carry the feeling with me through the whole day. I do the only thing I know always keeps my nightmares alive. And it works. It works so well my mind gives me another nightmare the next night. Alas, the feeling is different. It is guilt. I know it too well. The locks of my hair falling on the floor. The locks somebody else cut – it is all my fault. I must sacrifice too much to keep the feeling alive. I must live with the hatred filling my past or do my best to destroy my future. It is a poison indeed. Sweet, irresistible poison…

No, nothing happens. This is not a movie. This is real life and I must find my own way out of the shit I’ve sunk into. I just don’t want to. I keep walking and the same song I’ve been listening to for hours keeps evoking silent screams inside. Breathe in, breathe out. Act cool. Everything will be alright, regardless of what the song says. “Everything is wrong every time”… Maybe that’s how it should be, who knows. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong and I feel the way I do because I have a pinion or two that are irreparably broken.

Hours pass. Somewhere along the way a little miracle has made me smile showing me that I don’t need wings to fly. I simply need to feel like I belong.

Night falls. I am walking again, my steps following the rhythm of the song. There is no reason to be sad. That’s just the way I am.

***

The first day of school has passed. I am officially a PhD student now. This picture was posted on Facebook on Friday. It received 36 likes from friends of the other people in the picture and only 1 from a friend of mine. I have the most caring friends in the world, don’t I? Once I told a friend that I went pretty far in science for someone who hates studying so much but I should probably go even further to make people see me. Win a Nobel prize or something like that. Do I really have to go that far? I think I am no more interested in socialization…