It is time for the last recap post devoted to my Christmas vacation. Everybody knows that I love walking and I also love the sea so at least one walk to the sea is always a must when I go home. I hate the fact that I can’t go swimming in the winter but I can still enjoy the sound of the sea and the view of its most splendid winter inhabitants – the swans.

It doesn’t even look like winter, does it? It actually looks better than in the summer. The water is so much clearer and I definitely don’t miss the crowds of people who fail to remember how to use a trash can. Only swimming is reserved for braver creatures.

Like this chow chow, for example. Without any hesitation this little guy jumped straight into the water headed to the swans.

Maybe he was a swan in his previous life? Nah, I doubt it. Having in mind his unique grace, he was probably a seal. I wonder how his owner removes the sand from his fur…

But with my typical “Y u ate my breakfast?” face I am not much graceful, either. I need a book on how to look less awkward in a picture or a restraining order of some sort for anybody who tries to approach me with a camera. Leave the poor pregnant cockroach alone, please!

Look, there is more interesting stuff behind me! Who doesn’t like clams? And a few meters away you can collect a boatload of pretty shells.

Or you can just watch the seagulls if you wish. They can be quite amusing when they chase one another in the sky or steal the bread that people give to the swans. They are the bad guys of the sea. In other words, the ones with no manners. I always laugh when I remember the seagull scene in “Finding Nemo” and all the “My! My!” squawking.

Finally I contemplated the beautiful winter sky for a while and said goodbye to my beloved sea. It will be long until we meet again…

I will miss the sea garden, too. It is like its endless meanderings were made for me and my crazy walks. I wish I could go back to those summer afternoons spent on some quiet bench with a book on my lap…

…or back to the childhood days when a part of me believed that this bridge could really make wishes come true. Stupid little me! It’s not like the grown up version is less of a hopeless dreamer but… . I just crossed the bridge and made a wish like in the good old days. What was it? Let’s keep it a secret, shall we? It may or may not involve more endless blue .

I welcomed the new year through the viewfinder of my camera. The third one if I have to be precise. For a year I had to get used to three different cameras and this doesn’t include the camera of my new mobile phone. It’s a long story. Anyway, even though I took a huge amount of crappy pictures, I have memories that will last forever.

A lot of things happened in 2011. Things that would never happen to the old me. Nevertheless, the last two weeks gave me the moments of happiness I cherish the most. I have lived away from my family for a long time but never so far. The distance made me realize how much they really mean to me. Yes, I love them. Despite the countless quarrels we’ve had they will always be my family and will love me for who I am, with all my flaws and crazy habits. This year I enjoyed every moment spent with them. We weren’t shouting at each other like all families do during the holidays and I still don’t know what was different this time. They weren’t obsessing over what I ate and what I didn’t (mainly the latter) and I wasn’t angry with them for doing it. Maybe this was the key. They didn’t even demand to see the number on the scale. I was finally free to do what I wanted and all I wanted was to spend those two weeks the best way I could so that the memories would warm my heart throughout the whole new year. So there was a lot of music, watching cooking shows on TV while cooking with my mother, shopping, long walks, movies.

This was taken during my shoe-shopping day. I really needed it. Not the picture, the shopping . What sucks the most about being a tall girl in Japan is that when you say what shoe size you want, they send you directly to the shelf with men’s shoes. Bummer! So I took mum with me and went out for a walk with the idea of buying all the girly shoes needed for at least two years. I bought a pair of cute ballerina shoes size 41 (Shhh! It’s a secret!) and I was very happy because nothing of this type over size 38 is available in Japan. I also bought a pair of warm boots and I was carelessly walking with the shoes in one hand and my mother’s hand in the other when I saw this lovely fur ball sleeping in a shoe box on one of the shop windows. Do I need to say that at that moment I wanted one more shoe box? But I bet the cat wouldn’t fancy meeting my dog.

This guy, as innocent as he looks, is a tiny typhoon in disguise. Well, he may cause trouble more often than not but he is my little puppy and I was sooo happy to play with him, and hug him, and kiss him, and… If you’ve watched Looney Toons long enough, you know who Elmyra Duff is (“I’m gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever (and never use you up)” ). By the way, he is not naturally yellow but unfortunately camera phone pictures aren’t very susceptible to editing.

Another holiday thing? Yep, special meals. One of my favorites this year was the roasted pumpkin stuffed with dried and fresh fruit and nuts. It was absolutely amazing and the only thing I had to do was to grab a spoon because it was store-bought as half of the other food for our Christmas Eve dinner. Again, I wish there were such places in Japan. Of course, not everything was store-bought. I really enjoyed preparing the oven-roasted crunchy chicken (one more crappy picture ) and not so much the sushi but everyone at home wanted to try it so I made enough to supply leftovers for mum for three days in a row. She liked it a lot. I am still not a fan.

And this is the winner of the best food of the year award. Again – the perfect banana bread. Banana goodness heavily loaded with chopped walnuts and raisins. It smells so good that I feel as if I am on crack when I am around it. Seriously, this is the best recipe ever.

I didn’t bake cookies and I didn’t meet the crowds of faithful friends (that I obviously don’t have) as I planned but I still spent two wonderful weeks. I met the ones that really cared and I had a lot of fun with my family. I went to all the places I missed and cried in the cinema during “New Year’s Eve” (Go figure!). It feels so good to be home!

Then, like a moment later, the two weeks were gone and I couldn’t even stay home until the first day of 2012. I packed my suitcase got on the bus and traveled through the snow all the way to Sofia to welcome the new year with friends and catch the plane on January, 1st. Now, when I look at the pictures, a part of me is wondering if it was real at all. It must have been. But I already miss you, guys, and I hope to see you again next Christmas.

“In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me…”

I want to escape. I need to escape, to go once again to this parallel reality where the whole world is different and colorful and where life seems worth living. I really do.

I cried like an idiot nine days in a row. I cried in my room. I cried in the shower. I cried in the street. I cried on my bicycle. I cried in the supermarket. I just cried, and cried, and cried and I couldn’t help it. I cried over pictures, magazines, biscuits, old clothes, old songs and everything else that even scarcely reminded me of how empty my life is. I cried and I wondered why. Then I did what I always do. I put my earphones on, pressed Play, buttoned the jacket up and tried to escape reality. I walked for hours everyday. I walked until it hurt. The pain inside didn’t subside. At least I stopped crying. I realized it was useless. Yet, as I am writing this a part of me wants to start crying again. Maybe this time it will help? No, it won’t. Forget about it.

Hello, stranger. I don’t know what brought you here but do you want to be my friend? I will be a good girl, I promise. I will smile and watch you with my big puppy eyes. I will listen to you and drink eagerly every word you say like a traveler lost in the desert. I will always be there when you need me. But you won’t come… Who wants a crazy girl for a friend? A girl whose reason to wake up every morning is to look in the mirror and hate every centimeter of her body. A girl whose biggest dream is to weigh 20 lbs less again because in her head this solves every problem on earth. A girl who knows it won’t ever happen and just tries to be invisible instead. The quiet weird girl sitting alone at the end of the table, daydreaming. No, you don’t want her for a friend. And neither would I.

Alas, I am this girl. I have to live with these thoughts every waking moment. Sometimes even in my sleep. I need someone to soothe the pain but there is nobody. Nobody asks “How was your day?”. Nobody offers me to go out just to kill some time. And with my family so far away, there is also nobody to give me hope that life will get better eventually. If it is possible at all. Is it?

I want to walk forever. Walk until I can’t remember the way back. Walk until there is nobody around. Then I will lie on the ground and cry myself to sleep. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again. Is it so much that I want? I will live in my dream world, fly like a butterfly, sleep under a leaf and drink the dew from the flowers. People won’t have to pretend they like me and then talk behind my back because I simply won’t be there anymore.

I’m lonely. I’m so fuckin’ LONELY! Be my friend. Or help me disappear.

Distraction, distraction. Distraction is the key to enjoying life despite the fact that things aren’t the way I wish they were. And what’s the best post-holiday distraction? Going through a pile of pictures, of course. And cooking sauerkraut with white beans but it is still a bit early for lunch . So I will start with a food post because it has been a really long time since I last posted one. Today’s topic is “Airline meals”.

When I first flew to Japan last spring, it was with Lufthansa. The tickets were bought for us by the embassy so we only had to say thank you and pack our bags. I would have never chosen this company myself because with about 5000 € for a ticket it is just out of my league. For this reason I didn’t expect much from my flight when I paid 1000 € for a return ticket with the Turkish Airlines. They proved me wrong. The plane food was anything but plain and I’d prefer the Turkish local hazelnuts over Lufthansa’s dry pretzels anytime. Maybe the entrees and the main course weren’t a prefect match taste-wise but as a whole all passengers got a well balanced meal high on vitamins and fiber.

The first picture shows a light meal served during a short flight with the Turkish Airlines. A sandwich with vegetables and cheese, fresh salmon salad, bran crackers, home-style cherry cake and mineral water with an option to choose other drinks too. Everyone who has been served a croissant with a mysterious filling or even worse, a store-bought croissant, while flying with other airlines would agree that it is like a breath of fresh air to see something like this on a plane. The only problem is that phlegmatic eaters like me will only manage to get through the salad and half of the sandwich by the time when the trays are collected. But who says you can’t put the crackers in your pocket and munch on the cake while waiting for your next flight?

On long flights the passengers are offered even more. For my first meal on the way home I chose traditional Turkish köfte with steamed vegetables and rice accompanied by potato salad with salmon, tabbouleh with fresh herbs and black forest cake. So I definitely wouldn’t match salmon with beef but on their own all parts of the meal were quite good.

After the longest night in my life (seven hours time difference, anyone?) it was time for breakfast before we landed in Istanbul. Omelette with sauteed mushrooms and toast with cheese and cucumber. Mmm! Plus whole wheat bread, butter and jam.

And what is a wholesome breakfast without fresh fruit and vegetables? Some more cheese with vegetables and a serving of fruit salad were there to make my tummy happy. Of course, I gave up somewhere along the way again but I felt really content.

After buying a good amount of Turkish delight and halva from the duty free shop and exploring every corner of the Atatürk airport I caught the plane to Sofia where yet another breakfast was served. More fresh fruit and vegetables, more cheese and more bran crackers. From the quality of the picture you can judge how much attention I paid to the food. I was too busy taking pictures of the clouds. Anyway, I renamed it from breakfast to lunch and proceeded with my crazy plans for walking around Sofia from end to end in a single day.

 
Two weeks later it was time to fly back to Japan, i.e. time for some more airplane meals. This was my first meal on the flight from Istanbul to Osaka. I wasn’t tempted at all by the penne pasta so I chose herbed chicken skewers with sauteed seasonal vegetables and buttered potatoes accompanied with shrimp salad and assorted cheese with vegetables. The dessert was baked rice pudding. And my favorite bran crackers made an appearance, too . So far, so good. Then I had a problem – how to eat at all with the stupid motion sickness? The very smell of the shrimp salad was making me sick. Bummer… I started with the rice pudding because there is no motion sickness that a little sugar can’t help with. It really did help and I managed to eat more than half of the main course and most of the cheese. Sorry, shrimp salad for letting you go to waste . The crackers had more luck and met with the other crackers from the short flight.

I spent the next six hours trying to fight the motion sickness while the other passengers were sound asleep (lucky motherf…). Then it was time for our second dinner before landing in Japan. The smoked salmon over French bean salad with yogurt was left almost untouched because my stomach was still refusing any encounters with sea food but I couldn’t resist the smell of the eggplant stuffed with minced beef and the tomato sauce. Assorted cheese is like a trademark of the Turkish Airlines meals and everybody knows that cheese is roasted eggplant’s best friend so it also disappeared soon. The dessert was vanilla pannacotta which wasn’t bad at all. As for the crackers… I still have some of them .

After the meal all dishes should look like this. Needless to say, they didn’t but it doesn’t mean that the food wasn’t good. It was good enough to earn its own post . I expected to gain a ton after all this food framing the big holiday eating but… Surprise! I somehow managed to lose a kilo in between the meals. Miracles do happen on Christmas .

Now another miracles will happen if I manage to cook decent sauerkraut with white beans for lunch. Keep your fingers crossed!

The good thing about being crazy is that every time you look in the mirror you see a different person. Even if none of them likes you, at least you don’t get bored. Fun, huh? I wish it helped with loneliness as well.

I’ve been listening to music all day. It isn’t louder than my thoughts but it’s loud enough to distract me so that I don’t start crying again. I feel so lonely that I want to scream. I thought I was going to start the new year with a happy post about the two great weeks I spent at home but it will have to wait because all I can see at the moment is a cold empty room and the creeping sadness. Why?

Everything seemed so perfect just two days ago. I know that it wasn’t perfect but I had all I needed – my family, my dog, a bunch of old friends and the TV set. I am a simple girl. Now everything seems so far away, as if it never existed. From the minute I entered the airport nothing felt the same. While I was sitting alone in the waiting room, my world started falling apart once again. Nobody was there to fill the emptiness with a smile. Nobody was there to say a single word of support while I was struggling for air in the airplane. When I finally managed to win the battle with motion sickness, I watched “Sucker Punch” but it felt more like I was punched in the face. My mind drifted away 10 minutes after I started watching the movie. I desperately wanted to talk to someone. Come on, it is not that hard! People talk to strangers all the time. Before Christmas I sent a little package to a girl and now she is dating the delivery guy! And me? I don’t know how to do it. I still want my new year’s kiss. And a postcard in the box with my name on it. And somebody to say hello to… Not this year. Not here. Again.

The warmth of the narrow kitchen is fading away. The Christmas lights are a blur. Were the past two weeks even real? The dark corner where I am sitting now doesn’t remember them. It won’t be long and my heart won’t remember them either. Only the void inside will remind me that something is missing. The door of the cage.

Happy New Year! 

*** 

Filed under: Holidays Tagged: happy new year, New Year, resolutions ]]> http://haridelle.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/happy-new-year/feed/ 4 haridelle http://haridelle.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/the-sky-through-my-window/ http://haridelle.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/the-sky-through-my-window/#comments Tue, 20 Dec 2011 09:38:05 +0000 Albizia http://haridelle.wordpress.com/?p=2282 ]]>

I dreamed about the sky. Then I got it. A piece of heaven 10000 feet above the ground and I spent more than 14 hours there. Who’s like me?

The first flight was a night one and it was the longest night ever. 7 hours longer than the usual . It wasn’t bad though. Although I didn’t have a window seat, I had a comfortable flight because there was nobody sitting next to me and I had two seats to sleep on. I bet almost everybody on the plane hated me for this. Well, I don’t complain. When I got motion sickness in the middle of the flight, the consequences would have been ugly if it hadn’t been for the extra space I had to lie on.

Then after three hours at Atatürk Airport and spending a ridiculous amount of money on Turkish delight and halva we were supposed to take off for Sofia. But it didn’t happen as planned. We had to wait for more than an hour for a permission to take off because of the weather. There were at least 20 airplanes on the line!

Eventually we took off and I was extremely happy to have my seat next to the window giving me a chance to look at Istanbul from the sky and then dive in to the fluffy clouds. And I must be thankful that the flight attendants didn’t try to kill me even though I was taking pictures during take off (Bad me!) .

It was worth the risk of being scolded. The view was simply breathtaking. Blue morning sky, golden sun beams reflecting from the sea and soft white clouds everywhere around us. May we never land, please?

I spent most of the flight taking pictures oblivious for everything that was going on in the plane. People eating, talking, reading… who cares about this? I could touch the sun if I wanted to!

The sun through my window. My sun! So close, closer than it has ever been! And the airplane on a bed of clouds taking me home.

The sky at 10000 feet is the brightest shade of blue. Words cannot describe how good it feels to be so high above the clouds. All problems on the ground are far, far away…

Blue. More blue. And then some more.

Then I finally arrived home on Saturday afternoon after wandering for more than two days. My brother received his (almost) new camera but I will have my 16,2 megapixel memories of heaven forever.

Is there anything more beautiful than this?

Even though I sometimes stare at the screen for weeks without posting, I love publishing posts when I am actually not around. This time is not an exception. Today’s inspiration is a song called “This Is My City” featured in one of my favorite TV shows of all times – “Skins”. Enjoy while I am trying to get my butt to my city through those 10000 km that separate us .

Turning my memories
Hoping to find out
where all the loyalty’s gone
The friends that I had then
Turned into strangers
Thinking of you all along
If you see me now
You won’t see me alone
If you see me
I’ll be heading home
‘Cause this is my town
This is my city
Through my eyes, looks so pretty
This is my town, this is my city now
These are my people, this is my song
Dirty streets where I belong
This is my town, this is my city now
This is my city now
Burning these pages
Our broken story
Words are just strangers to me
Thought we could work this out
I was wrong
You put the desperate doubt into me
If you see me now
You won’t see me alone
If you see me
I’ll be heading home
‘Cause this is my town
This is my city
Through my eyes it looks so pretty
This is my town, this is my city now
These are my people, this is my song
Dirty streets where I belong
This is my town, this is my city now
This is my city now

***

I frequently watch the news online so I am not completely disconnected but things look a little unreal from such a distance. Just something happening at the other end of the world. Today, however, everything seems different. I am going there, in the midst of countless absurds and I am, if I have to choose only one word to describe the feeling, scared. I told my brother that I wasn’t taking my laptop because I couldn’t carry so much luggage but the truth is that I am afraid I cannot guard 3 bags at the same time from thieves. I would have begged someone to come and pick me up from the airport, have I not had a good friend to do it. And it is not because I can’t simply catch the bus but because I am not sure I am capable of surviving a bus ride with a suitcase anymore. I don’t want to be pushed and pulled, stared at as if I am some pestilential lout and shouted at for no particular reason. My survival instincts are fading…

Another thing – I just read an article about the university I graduated from. It was called “Book Donation” and was published in the hot news section so I thought it would be something wow-worthy. On the contrary, it was like a cup of cold black coffee – bland and disappointing. The article was about a book agency that donated 17 (!!!) books to the university library. There was a full list of titles and prices of the donated books and one of them was the catalog of Bulgarian publishers. How generous! Or laughable… It made me feel miserable. This is the oldest and most respected university in the country. I can donate 17 books, too. And I am obviously not a book agency owner. Yes, I have read them already but I can do it. I lack the words to express exactly how I feel about this. It’s just… a pity.

I quickly moved to another website hoping that I would find something more cheerful there but if something unites the hot news in Bulgarian sites it is the bitter aftertaste it leaves. “Aggression of patients in Yambol”, “Tree more cars were burnt last night in Sofia”, “No electricity and central heating in Sofia after an accident”… Another site. People dying in hospitals, strikes of the railway workers, crashed buses on the highway (Did I mention that my intention was to go home by bus?)…

That’s it! I give up! It is hard to notice the good news among all this crap and I am getting more and more reluctant to go home. For the first time my main worry is not how to avoid turning into a swine mother during the holidays. I am worried that I don’t want to live there anymore. Is this bad? I really miss my family and some precious friends but I definitely don’t miss the complete lack of control and living in constant fear that something will go wrong any minute and I won’t be able to do anything to prevent it.

Dear home, please, make my Christmas more like this and less like… well, reality.

So there are only 10 days until Christmas and 1 day until I catch that plane home but before that I have to make sure that my Christmas mood is full blown and I am ready to deck the halls. Is there a better way to do it than a trip to Osaka and its million lights? Probably but I chose Osaka anyway . Picture-heavy post warning!

There is something magical in the night lights of Osaka. Even without Christmas coming it is amazingly beautiful. At least for people like me who enjoy the urban atmosphere more than anything else and definitely not for the guys from National Geographic who wrote the Japan guide and said Osaka was ugly…

We went to the place where the Hikari Renaissance Christmas festival will take place (as of today) and even though the lights weren’t on yet, we had a really good time. Let’s face it, when this 7-meter-tall reindeer is all lighted up, there will be huge crowds of overexcited Japanese around it trying to take a million pictures of them in front of it making the victory sign .

Let’s talk about love for the detail, shall we! You know, the ribbons on all of the street lamps must look exactly the same or the world will stop turning. Well, it obviously works.

And if there is no real snow at this altitude, the LED snowflakes are enough to create the Christmas atmosphere. They aren’t good for a snowball fight but… I hope I’ll get the chance to throw some snowballs when I get back home.

If my brother were here, he would be absolutely delighted. LED lights everywhere! The dream of the electronics engineer . And this chandelier is quite spectacular in addition to being environmentally friendly.

After Hikari Renaissance we moved towards Osaka Station for the next series of Christmas lights but in the meantime I really enjoyed those everyday (erm… night) city lights that nobody seems to notice. Their reflections in the water are just so soothing!

The people who know me won’t be surprised that the other thing I like the most is the cold vibe of the city buildings. I just love, love, love big concrete buildings. I am weird like that .

This one doesn’t look exactly cold but you get my point. I am a city girl!

We went to Hilton where we weren’t really supposed to go and then all the way up to the sixteenth floor of Osaka Station. Needless to say, there were festive decorations were everywhere around us.

On the fifteenth floor we saw Cinderella’s carriage. Cool but the shoe was too small for me. Not my prince again. Maybe next time (and not in Japan because shoe shopping is one of the first things on my to-do list for home)!

After running all the 16 flights of stairs elevators of Osaka Station we strategically moved to the heart of every Christmas celebration. Can you guess where is it?

The Weinachtsmarkt, of course! No Christmas celebration is complete without a German Christmas market. Something that unites all the German Christmas markets around the world is the insane price of all the goods there but looking is for free and we took the best of it. And if I am going to buy anything from a Weinachtsmarkt at all, it will be from the one in Sofia. Although it is probably much less spectacular compared to Osaka’s version, I prefer the Bulgarian idea of expensive .

Doesn’t the sight of the carousel make you feel like a little child again? And the wooden toys, and the cookie house, and the handmade cookies and caramelized nuts, and… everything!

The cookies were huuuge and smelled heavenly but I managed to resist somehow. Their price really helped . Can you imagine paying more than 1000¥ (about 13$) for a single cookie? Neither can I.

The Christmas market was held right under the Umeda Sky Building (梅田スカイビル) which is a stunning architectural creation and, you know, I love it because it is big, tall and shiny .

And that’s all from our Sunday evening trip to Christmas-ready Osaka. We said goodbye to the Umeda Sky Building and the glowing lights and caught the express back to Kyoto feeling one step closer to the miracle called Christmas.

Are you ready for Christmas?